My face smells like this.

My Pandemic Life June 2020

Frankly, I thought a global pandemic would be a lot more fun. This is the most boring worldwide health crisis ever. I always thought something that completely disrupts the world in every considerable way would be like “The Walking Dead”. Going on missions of survival and adventures to save friends and family while always being a little grimy and sweaty. But nope. All we do is sit around watching screens and being terrified of standing next to someone. My daily mission of survival is going to Walgreens to buy gum. While not exciting or dangerous…


Do or Die, Where Did Fat Rick Get That Pie?

https://pixabay.com/users/clker-free-vector-images-3736/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=307870

I wonder about cannibalism a lot. The why, when, and where to start eating a person. Specifically, where on the body and where in terms of geographical context. You don’t chomp down on a person because the corner store is out of Ritz Bitz. There are no casual cannibals. No cannibal just meanders through cannibalism like most of us wander through a career center. It seems like you know if you’re going to eat people.

And once you commit, that’s it. It’s not like after a night of heavy drinking, I blew my college roommate. I blow a dude, maybe…


Photo by Edwin Hooper on Unsplash

Frankly, I thought a global pandemic would be a lot more fun. This is the most boring worldwide health crisis ever. I always thought something that completely disrupts the world in every considerable way would kind of be like The Walking Dead. Going on missions of survival and adventures to save friends and family while always being a little sweaty. But nope. All we do is sit around watching screens and being terrified of standing next to someone. My daily mission of survival is going to Walgreens to buy gum. While not exciting or dangerous at all I still bring…


You don’t need to Google “survivor” to be a survivor.

Photo by Jasmin Sessler on Unsplash

We all make mistakes. Sometimes you think a person is waving at you excitedly when in reality they’re being chased by raccoons. Occasionally you mistake your rash medication for toothpaste. Sometimes you’re petting a large cat and it turns out to be a raccoon. Those are fun, little mistakes. But in today’s modern age there are few mistakes that cause more fear than forgetting to bring your cell phone into the bathroom with you.

Panic sets in once you’ve sat down and realized you can’t check your email for the 85th time today. No access to Google, Facebook, or your…


Stuck between an Ideal and a Codpiece.

My Vigilante Footprint.

File Entry #27

I’m a super hero. Well, not super by some standards but I’m definitely a hero. I saved a very sweet older woman $2.17 on her purchase of Thomas’ English Muffins, two cans of corn and a Mickey’s Big Mouth by letting her use my Safeway club card yesterday. As I turned to leave the supermarket, I was overwhelmed with a sense that I had made the world a better place. Unfortunately my cape got caught in the automatic doors. I growled, “This ends tonight!” even though it was 11:30am. …


In 1996 there were a lot of people living in my family’s house. It was like a long term hostel. The family matriarch, my grandma, ran the house, as she always had. I was living there with my girlfriend Heather, her best friend Barbie who was dating one of my best friends Jake. My mom was also living with us, along with her latest dipshit, loser, siphoning boyfriend, Clyde*. That’s seven people in a four bedroom, two bathroom home in northern San Diego. People were everywhere and privacy was impossible.

My family had been moving back and forth from San…


We’re trying to be better but we’re just so sweaty.

Image by Paul Brennan from Pixabay

Florida is a very strange place. We’re a lost culture down here. Much like the flaccid penis we’re shaped like, we don’t really do anything. And just like a flaccid penis we’d like to be useful. But given that our main imports are cocaine and natural disasters, we have very little to give in terms of practicality. We’re surrounded by water on the east, west, south and moonshine to the north. We’re a wet state. No matter where you go there’s moisture on your body. Sometimes it’s from exercise, sometimes it’s from the humidity, sometimes it’s from vigorously flirting with…


The Duck

I want to go away. I need a break from life; I need a break from how I see my own life. I fantasize about going to some kind of getaway camp. I need a place I can go to be the same self-indulgent, emotionally narcissistic, pity partying prick that my friends are tired of but professionals will have to listen to because they’re trained to do so. A place where I can go to just relax and take a break from everything. I feel terrible almost all the time and if I can just go somewhere and…


Journal Entry: September 26, 2013

It’s tough being a stay at home dad. I mean, there are certainly fantastic things about being the parent who essentially runs the household. I get to spend important time with our five-week old triplets (names withheld for their safety) in these crucial early years, I’ve taught myself how to cook, and gained an unprecedented love of wearing sweatpants absolutely all day. Some say it’s emasculating to have my wife go out into the world and do her thing while I stay home with the kids. But I try to not listen to my dad.

Dan Linley

Dan Linley is a writer, stand up comedian, sketch actor, and a helluva guy in San Francisco. He wears a watch and has an abnormal fascination with fire engines.

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