Survival Techniques When You’re In The Bathroom Without Your Phone
You don’t need to Google “survivor” to be a survivor.
We all make mistakes. Sometimes you think a person is waving at you excitedly when in reality they’re being chased by raccoons. Occasionally you mistake your rash medication for toothpaste. Sometimes you’re petting a large cat and it turns out to be a raccoon. Those are fun, little mistakes. But in today’s modern age there are few mistakes that cause more fear than forgetting to bring your cell phone into the bathroom with you.
Panic sets in once you’ve sat down and realized you can’t check your email for the 85th time today. No access to Google, Facebook, or your food pictures. You immediately think, “Will my existence be forgotten if I don’t like Amy’s Instagram post about her new fish?!”
Your heart races and then you realize you’re also out of toilet paper. “Not a problem! I’ll wipe with the shower curtain, but I need to learn about my life-threatening pains on WedMD, life hacks involving baked potatoes, and Yahoo! Finance’s exposé on Jennifer Love Hewitt’s favorite kind of pickle!”
How do you deal with the horror of being trapped in your bathroom with nothing to occupy your time other than your own terrible brain? Here are seven very effective tactics:
Count All the Things in Your Bathroom of a Certain Color
This highly effective tactic distracts you from what a forgetful fool you are but also helps you reevaluate your decorative aesthetic. Start with a simple color like yellow. Gradually work your way towards more challenging colors (e.g. browns, blues, oranges). When you’re ready, try teal. You’ll discover so much about yourself!
Make a List of Possible Websites You’ll Check When this Self-Imposed Hellscape is Finally Over
Now’s a good time to get your life together and plan ahead. By freeing up your imagination your frontal lobe will prevent your mind from cannibalizing itself. To really get a mental workout, think of websites that probably don’t exist: bananaelbows.com, Applebee’spromotesSatanism.edu, JoshHartnettowns3boats.org, or Squirrelfightsratinaphonebooth.mil.
Imagine Better Comebacks to Recently Lost Arguments
Now that you have between 5 and 20 minutes to yourself, depending on your diet, use this disaster to rewrite history. If you lost an argument to your buddy Craig last week, now is a good time to come up with a winning comeback to shut Craig the fuck up once and for all. Some suggestions: “Your mom!”, “No, I gave you a bite last time!” or “I’m gonna throw you off your own roof!” Don’t let Craig talk to you like that!
Reevaluate Your Relationship with Your Aunt Terry
She probably didn’t mean to do that. She’s been going through a lot lately and maybe you should take a step back and ask yourself, “Are my opinions on gun safety really worth losing my favorite aunt?” Plus, she told you it was loaded.
Name Your Veins
Trust me, it’s trickier than it sounds.
Revel in the Dramatic Retelling of This to Your Friends
Nothing brings street-cred like surviving. If you survive your grave error you’ll be a hero to your friends and family. Use this time to work on your future texts recounting your heroism. Really play it up, too. Maybe relay your harrowing tale by including rescuing an old woman or bottle feeding a baby giraffe while in the bathroom. Who’s gonna know?
Build a Little Bathroom Buddy out of Small Soaps You’ve Stolen from Hotels
All of those cheap little soaps sure can come in handy in such a predicament. Fill your emotional void by wetting the soaps and making a colorful little buddy to help you through the torture. Give him/her a cute little back story that involves suds and a Napoleonic Complex. You stole those soaps for a reason, so create life from your thievery!
You’re a tough, resilient person, and if you can survive that small flesh wound from Aunt Terry you can surely get through this. The main thing is to not let the anguish and outright terror that results from not having your phone get in the way of what could be a relaxing bathroom experience. You’re sure to learn from this.
Ask the doctor who patched up the flesh wound to maybe graft the phone to your forearm. Even if you forget your phone, you can still win the bathroom!
