The Lion Man Makes Some Changes.

Stuck between an Ideal and a Codpiece.

File Entry #27

I’m a super hero. Well, not super by some standards but I’m definitely a hero. I saved a very sweet older woman $2.17 on her purchase of Thomas’ English Muffins, two cans of corn and a Mickey’s Big Mouth by letting her use my Safeway club card yesterday. As I turned to leave the supermarket, I was overwhelmed with a sense that I had made the world a better place. Unfortunately my cape got caught in the automatic doors. I growled, “This ends tonight!” even though it was 11:30am. But I just feel like it’s a good go-to line in times of stress.

But I’m not a hero for myself. I’m a hero because I want to help other people. The world is full of tragedy and turmoil. Like when a corner store keeps all of their neon signs lit even when they’re closed. What if some good citizen wants a cold, refreshing Diet 7UP at 2am? This fine citizen just wants some after-hours bubbly pleasure and they see a beacon along the dark streets, just to find out that the illuminated offer of a beverage sanctuary was simply a mirage. A lie. How can stores get away with that? It’s deceitful! Sometimes when I’m out patrolling the streets, I’ll leave a harshly worded note on my local corner store when I notice all of their signs are still lit even though upon closer inspection the store is closed. My notes usually consist of “This ends tonight!” It’s difficult to track the changes I’m affecting in my community but I need to start somewhere.

I’ve learned some things along the way. For one, at least 82% of crime fighting is the uniform. If you’re going to go out crime fighting/superheroing you need a good outfit. I resent my uniform being called a “costume”. Costumes are for children on Halloween. Uniforms are for heroes on patrol. My superhero theme is a lion, hence my nom de hero “Lion Man”. I have a flowing mane that’s useful for intimidation but also warmth. I’m mainly nude when I go heroing so sometimes I get chilly: shirtless, pants-less while wearing a cup , usually shivering. Sometimes my foes mock me by calling me “Lyin’ Man”, implying that I’m a lying man. Even though I’m a terrifying symbol of vigilante justice, I also have feelings. I embody the spirit and tenacity of a lion, not a liar. I want to enforce justice but also lay around menacingly in the shade.

I have a sweet utility belt with many gadgets. Some of my friends call it a fanny pack but I don’t listen to their negativity. I’m trying to keep my city safe through animal themed vigilantism. My detractors have a cars, families, houses with doors, blah blah blah. My utility belt is a fanny pack, technically, that I found in the bargain bin at my local discount store, Bargain Bin, but I’ve turned it into a utility belt by filling it with essential crime fighting tools. I also put a buckle on the front. That makes it an official belt. My utility belt is as essential to my vigilantism as is my hatred of rich dentists who kill my thematic brethren. My belt includes bendy straws, a pencil sharpener, Allen Wrenches, hairbrushes, and a tiny little set of archery equipment. It’s totally a utility belt.

But I’ve decided to not wear a cape anymore. I’m starting to think it’s not practical while I’m out crime fighting. Yeah, it’s cool for intimidating silhouettes but it’s too loud and cumbersome. And it’s not even all that bulletproof so there’s very little protection. It probably wasn’t smart to turn one of my bedroom curtains into a cape. Rather than being flame retardant it’s actually surprisingly flammable. I made a poor choice in cape materials. That’s on me. I thought that soaking my cape in kerosene would also be an intimidating move. Like, “Come on evil doer, I dare you to light me on fire.” I never thought any of them would but, turns out, they all do. Every time. None of my arch nemesis know my secret identity or the location of my secret headquarters (The Den) but I’ve noticed that all my nemesis carry matches recently. In retrospect I guess it wasn’t a great idea to douse my bedroom curtain in kerosene and then go out to fight crime. The pungent cape also alerts my foes to my presence because of the pungent odor. I thought that the intense smell of approaching kerosene would frighten all of the criminals away but it turns out that it’s more of an attraction than a deterrent. Again, I take responsibility for that error in judgement. At this point it’s virtually impossible to sneak up on a foe if they can smell me 20 yards out. I’ve only been fighting crime for a few weeks so maybe it’s all part of the learning process. I think I’m also going to change to a soft soled boot as opposed to tap shoes.